The Running of the Bulls(hit)

Ever since Graham went skydiving in New Zealand – the ultimate adrenaline–junky fix – I started thinking about my lifestyle and how it’s not particularly adrenaline filled. Sure I work on boats a bit and I’ve crossed the Atlantic on one… an achievement I’m proud of but they don’t provide that buzz I imagine you get for doing something really really stupid. The problem for me is that I’m not a very brave person. I don’t think I’ll ever go skydiving or jump off a bridge with an elastic band attached to my ankles…it’s just not my style – the most adventurous thing I’ve ever done involved Stuart McKimmie…but that’s a story for another day. But I have been craving that fix, that buzz you can get from such daring activities.

Anyway, so last week I took it upon myself to push the boat out…to live a little.

First off I went for a tried and tested scary thing to do, sure to get anyone’s heart racing – “Pissing Off JB”.

Good god. I could go base-jumping in a Zorb whilst wrestling with a Great White Shark and I still wouldn’t be comparable to getting shouted at by JB down the phone. I’m pleased I didn’t pick up the phone that night. JB – you’ve got a great angry voice. You’ll make a fantastic father one of these days. Anyway JB, in all seriousness, it’s all done with love. I’m sensing you didn’t appreciate it, but we all love you and I wouldn’t do it if you didn’t react so spectacularly. I can’t imagine that means you’ll be any happier with me, but, well you’ve always been right, I am an asshole.

Anyway, incurring the wrath of JB certainly got my heart-pounding but it was all to short-lived….I was left craving more. I began searching everywhere for my next fix. I tried everything. Driving to Aberdeen with my eyes shut…nothing. Eating pumpkin in a sushi restaurant…NOTHING. Then on Saturday night after dancing with Graham (which didn’t work either whilst we’re on the subject), I got my fix…

Graham was working his magic on a lucky lady (though inevitably ended up being egregiously cockblocked – the list goes on Wazz) so off I toddled to the toilet. My toilet trip was thankfully uneventful, but on the way back I got chatting to a very nice Polish girl by the name of Ella. We chatted away, had a little kiss (a gentleman never tells……well, not unless he’s asked) and then went off to an ATM to get more money (I had to pay her obviously) then back into the club to find Graham alone, post-CB and I introduced Ella to him and they started chatting. It was as they were chatting that I looked around the club a bit. My gazed stopped quite quickly on a large skin-headed fellow who was about 3 metres away and staring at me. Before I had a chance to think anything about it, he gave me something new to worry about. He raised his thumb to his throat and dragged it across his neck in a guillotine-type fashion. In case his message wasn’t clear enough (he was only 3 metres away) he followed it up by pointing at me. Now I admit that I’m not the most pigmented man on the planet, but I’m sure that even in that dark club, you could see the colour drain from my face. I tried to hold his gaze for a second – refusing to be intimidated by him – but I got all intimidated by him and had to look away…

A few minutes passed and I could feel him burning a hole in the side of my head (with a lighter, not his gaze). That was short lived as he came over and started talking to Ella and they animated chatted away in what I’m guessing was Polish at which point I chose to collect my jacket (and my bowels, which it turned out I’d left on the couch) and got the hell out of there. Terrifying…but what a rush.

Good times. So now I’m back at work and I’ve never been so happy to be writing a report. It might not be exciting to some, but my guess is it’s better than being stabbed to death a Polish skinhead / Waking up in a bathtub full of ice…

Health? Not as we know it & “Drinks Anyone…Part Deux”

Welcome to Planet Earth. Here………..the most vast expanse in the history of the Earth, The World Wide Web. Down there, we see a tiny speck of insignifance. For there, look, we see the lesser spotted Booth as he motions down to rehydrate, drinking at the most popular waterhole of the Interneti.

Sorry I’m not sure what was about…

It’s probably all the health I’ve been having. Today has been a worrying day for me. As some of you know…I like my health, I like exercising and I’m sufficiently insecure that I pay attention to both these things in a desperate effort to avoid perpetual loneliness…that and a fat ass.

However, today I fear I’ve taken it too far. I woke up this morning after a healthy night of DIY round at my brother’s new house. I got a solid 10 hours of kip. I awoke, picked up my weary head and went and played golf with said brother. Then went for lunch, had a turkey and cranberry salad sandwich. Then, I went home, drank some milk (an excellent choice on this occasion), had a short nap and watched a bit of tennis, I then went for a run (10 k as it happens). I came home, showered and made a fuckload of sushi. I went round to my brothers and ate said sushi whilst watching TV.

My question…Have I just had the healthiest day on record? Seriously, what more could I have done?!?! I appreciate that there are athletes who probably have healthier days, but I’m not an athlete, it’s not where my income comes from. I’m a marine biologist, I’m supposed to save whales and dolphins for a living. The health…well, I do that of my own volition. I’m concerned, we all live in balance. Ying, Yang and all that spiritual bullshit. I’m worried I’ve upset the balance. What do I do? My only suggestion thus far has been to snort lots of cake (actual cake) tomorrow.

It’s not a bad suggestion, but I’d appreciate any help on this. I’m genuinely concerned…

In other news, since my last blog entry there has been a backlash of epic proportions. 50% if my readership has been up in arms at the lack of their inclusion in my last post. I apologise. All 3 of you will be included in this blog entry. I hope you feel special.

So let’s be quick…here’s a couple more “What Drink Would You Be” al a…me

John / Woody – Well John thinks he would be a fine glass of red wine: sophisticated, clean and tasty. Crock o’ shite. John is a Screwdriver. It’s a tasty drink that everyone likes. Honestly, you’ll never meet a person that says “A Screwdriver?!? Dammit!! You know I hate Screwdrivers!! Can I just have a vodka and orange juice instead?” Which brings me to my second point…it’s just a vodka and orange juice. The two most simple ingredients put together to create something tasty…but lets face it…not that special. A winner, but no Red Corvette. Scott and Stu know what I’m talking about! Sorry John. Just remember, no matter how many children you save, you’re still just a Vodka and OJ, just in glasses…

Sarra – A girl with a touch of class and elegance about her, some might even say sophistication, though none of those people are here. Anyway when it comes down to it Sarra just wants to get battered like the rest of us. So I think it’s got to be Champagne. It makes us feel good, raises us to another drinking level, but really, by all intents and purposes, it’s just Stella but with less spousal abuse. It’s the Paul McCartney to everyone elses Tom Sizemore. Somehow you get away with being shitfaced on Champagne…

To sum up…It does the job of making us feel classy when really we’re just on a mission to munterland.

Andy – let’s cut to the chase. Andy is Baileys. Another drink that everyone likes, but frustratingly is viewed as a God-like drink in the eyes of all women, though the men cannot quite see the attraction. Look, we like Baileys, we just know it’s a devilish drink that reeks havoc when mixed with lime cordial – we don’t mind it, we just wish the women would shut-up about how fucking awesome Baileys is.

Note: I know girls don’t love Baileys that much, but I think it is more likely to cross a ladies lips than a man’s lips. The exception being Ol’ Gregg – but he’s got a downstairs mix-up.

Gary – This one isn’t difficult, Gary is Guinness. It’s great, it’s a big heavy beer (I didn’t just call you fat) and it has the potential not to make you shit right for quite some time.

Doug – Doug is Carlsberg. Not the best beer in the world but you can find it everywhere when better drinks aren’t available…

Alex – hmm…This is a toughy. Alex feels she should be champagne…I disagree. Mainly because Sarra somehow managed to get dibs on Champagne. One could argue that they could be different brands of Champagne…for example Bollinger and Moet, or one could be Champagne and the other being Prosseco – a fine, but frankly cheap alternative…but I’m not that stupid. I know that would earn me a clip around the ear. Anyway, this is all by-the-by because Alex isn’t Champage. She’s a Flirtini. Like the Screwdriver it’s a complex drink. It’s sophisticated, it’s enjoyed by all but it’s difficult to make properly…and it has champagne in it too…happy now Alex? Are you?!?!?

On that subject, I’m still not sure which one of my friends is the Mojito. It’s easily my favourite drink, but it’s awfully difficult to make a good one. I’ve had 10 bad mojitoes for every good one.

If you think you can be the Mojito in my life then write a comment in response to this blog with the words “Cormac, I could be your Mojito baby because” explaining why (in less than 12 words…).

Drinks anyone?

Seemingly the current e-trend at the moment is to fill out a quiz and have it nicely pigeon-hole you as one thing or another. After a particularly poor showing on one entitled “What Drink Are You?” I got to thinking. Now, I’ve been having a rather nasty bout of the botty squits this evening. Not sure why. I think perhaps my body is punishing me for taking it running in the pouring rain (it was big ol’ fat rain). Anyway, the end result is that I can’t sleep for fear of ruining the sheets and have been given far too much time to “think” about all this (what makes it worse, is that this is the third time I’ve tried to write this on the website – but every time a stray thumb (always mine by the way) hits the mouse pad and manages to delete it). Anyway, I’ll be honest, I was disheartened by the response I received from the aforementioned “What Drink Are You?” quiz:

“You are a Cosmopolitan. You are quiet and content. You don’t stand out too much, but you don’t mind and don’t care what people think of you. You don’t need everything to be perfect, as long as you get what matters. Sure, you may be ‘girly’ and you may not be the smartest, craziest or most refined, but you really like yourself, and that’s fine by you.”

If you are some random who has come across this blog and doesn’t know me…well that’s fine make your own assessment based on what you see here. Actually, no, don’t do that. Go find out what drink you are. It’s awesome – you’ll find it fulfilling and life-affirming.

If you do know me, you’ll know just how woefully inaccurate that is. Quiet? Hmm, Content? Hah!! Don’t stand out? WHITE!!!! WHITE!!! Don’t care what people think of me? I’m writing a blog on this at 1:48am just to try and get attention!!!! I’ll stop now to fight back the tears…

Anyway, I wanted to see if I could do better using my friends as suitable templates. I could have chosen the Family Guy quiz to try instead, but you all want to be Quagmire and it would have been a much shorter post…

Disclaimer No. 1 – My friend Graham wrote a fantastic piece comparing His Life with This Life. It’s much more better written than my words and much more funny too. Check it. This is a cheap, potentially boring, rip-off that will hopefully cause my sphincter to awaken and spring into action and the rest of my body to fall asleep.

Disclaimer No. 2 – If you don’t appear below with your own drink then it’s because a) we don’t drink that often together b) you drink only lager/ale all the time c) you bore me.

Enough with the prelude:

JB – I was trying to think what drink JB would want to be. He leads a rich and varied drinking life and I’m sure being a rich, Hong Kong lawyer can afford to drink whatever he wants, whenever he wants…but the bottom line is that he’d be a Vodka and Lemonade. Solely so that he can still signal the drink to barstaff even after he’s muntered and Pest is off making a woman of  some girl. In case you’re wondering how to signal it (i.e. when the words fail you). You make a V by placing the base of your palms together and pointing your fingers to the 10 and 2 positions. This is swiftly and effortlessly followed by an L, most easily made by touching the base of your right palm with the fingers of your left hand. Thus making an L the bar staff can read. The V part you can’t really go wrong with…Loser.

Note: I’ve no idea why this is all in italics…it won’t get off and I’m too tired to sort it. So much for production values…

Scott – The main thing to remember here is that Scott drinks to forget. Therefore he’s a man who requires something potent, but the man is a born showman…so it has to be taken to the next level (of stupidity). So it has to be flashy and it has to potent…and because, like JB, Scott is a man who likes bread buttered a certain way, it has to be a bit poncey. This brings us nicely to Black Sambuca. It’ll get you very drunk, it can happily be set on fire and has a totally pointless coffee bean in the shot to make you gag as your trying to drink it. It takes years of perfection…something I will never achieve, so instead I choose to quietly moan whenever we drink Sambuca.

Stu – Let’s cut to the chase (as otherwise it’ll be 10am before I finish this), if he’s being honest he’d be a Malibu and Pineapple Juice everytime. Everytime. However, since that would (and already has) lead to torrents of abuse from the rest of us. So instead he opts for something more Timberlake-esque. You might be think Jack Daniels…but he’s not quite at ManCon 4 just yet…so we’re stuck with Southern Comfort. A tasty and respectable beverage I’m sure you’ll agree.

Graham – Well, Graham isn’t really a wolf when it comes to drinking…he’s more content to being an imbibing sheep…just following whatever Scott and/or John are drinking – no mind of his own (Yes Graham this is payback for having me lose to a Homosexual Biker – a fight I’d lose in real life anyway, but still man…if you can’t dream on the web, what’ve you got left). But seriously. Graham enjoys the fine things in life, so it’s a toss-up between being a really good, potentially over-priced beer and an excellent whiskey. So take your pick: Innis & Gunn Cask Strength or maybe a nice Lagavulin Distillers Edition whiskey. Both top-notch.

Boudy – I know for a fact Boudy took this quiz too and they told him he was a Whiskey on the Rocks. Boudy? C’mon man. I’m kinda stumped with this one…what drink are you? You’re big, you’re dependable, you’re corrupted by the American market through and through and you have been known, on occasion to be a big gay panda (or more succicently put, dare I say it, a party pooper?!) – let’s face it, you’re Budweiser. If you give me any shit for this, I’m changing it to Bud Light. Though to be fair, some nights you’re on a mission and want to get caned, and on those nights you’re Rum….but still a corporate whore, so you’re Bacardi.

And as for me. Well, I’m pretty rubbish at drinking, so it needs to be easy to drink. It needs to be a little showy so I can get some attention, but not too far from the norm that I get picked on and have to throw a hissy fit. It also needs to be widely accepted. I want to be a rule breaker but not so much that I get in trouble. There’s only really one thing: I’m Pear Cider. Either that or a Flabby Nipple – but that’s just mean…Either way, not much better than a Cosmopolitan I’m sure you’ll agree.