Seemingly the current e-trend at the moment is to fill out a quiz and have it nicely pigeon-hole you as one thing or another. After a particularly poor showing on one entitled “What Drink Are You?” I got to thinking. Now, I’ve been having a rather nasty bout of the botty squits this evening. Not sure why. I think perhaps my body is punishing me for taking it running in the pouring rain (it was big ol’ fat rain). Anyway, the end result is that I can’t sleep for fear of ruining the sheets and have been given far too much time to “think” about all this (what makes it worse, is that this is the third time I’ve tried to write this on the website – but every time a stray thumb (always mine by the way) hits the mouse pad and manages to delete it). Anyway, I’ll be honest, I was disheartened by the response I received from the aforementioned “What Drink Are You?” quiz:
“You are a Cosmopolitan. You are quiet and content. You don’t stand out too much, but you don’t mind and don’t care what people think of you. You don’t need everything to be perfect, as long as you get what matters. Sure, you may be ‘girly’ and you may not be the smartest, craziest or most refined, but you really like yourself, and that’s fine by you.”
If you are some random who has come across this blog and doesn’t know me…well that’s fine make your own assessment based on what you see here. Actually, no, don’t do that. Go find out what drink you are. It’s awesome – you’ll find it fulfilling and life-affirming.
If you do know me, you’ll know just how woefully inaccurate that is. Quiet? Hmm, Content? Hah!! Don’t stand out? WHITE!!!! WHITE!!! Don’t care what people think of me? I’m writing a blog on this at 1:48am just to try and get attention!!!! I’ll stop now to fight back the tears…
Anyway, I wanted to see if I could do better using my friends as suitable templates. I could have chosen the Family Guy quiz to try instead, but you all want to be Quagmire and it would have been a much shorter post…
Disclaimer No. 1 – My friend Graham wrote a fantastic piece comparing His Life with This Life. It’s much more better written than my words and much more funny too. Check it. This is a cheap, potentially boring, rip-off that will hopefully cause my sphincter to awaken and spring into action and the rest of my body to fall asleep.
Disclaimer No. 2 – If you don’t appear below with your own drink then it’s because a) we don’t drink that often together b) you drink only lager/ale all the time c) you bore me.
Enough with the prelude:
JB – I was trying to think what drink JB would want to be. He leads a rich and varied drinking life and I’m sure being a rich, Hong Kong lawyer can afford to drink whatever he wants, whenever he wants…but the bottom line is that he’d be a Vodka and Lemonade. Solely so that he can still signal the drink to barstaff even after he’s muntered and Pest is off making a woman of some girl. In case you’re wondering how to signal it (i.e. when the words fail you). You make a V by placing the base of your palms together and pointing your fingers to the 10 and 2 positions. This is swiftly and effortlessly followed by an L, most easily made by touching the base of your right palm with the fingers of your left hand. Thus making an L the bar staff can read. The V part you can’t really go wrong with…Loser.
Note: I’ve no idea why this is all in italics…it won’t get off and I’m too tired to sort it. So much for production values…
Scott – The main thing to remember here is that Scott drinks to forget. Therefore he’s a man who requires something potent, but the man is a born showman…so it has to be taken to the next level (of stupidity). So it has to be flashy and it has to potent…and because, like JB, Scott is a man who likes bread buttered a certain way, it has to be a bit poncey. This brings us nicely to Black Sambuca. It’ll get you very drunk, it can happily be set on fire and has a totally pointless coffee bean in the shot to make you gag as your trying to drink it. It takes years of perfection…something I will never achieve, so instead I choose to quietly moan whenever we drink Sambuca.
Stu – Let’s cut to the chase (as otherwise it’ll be 10am before I finish this), if he’s being honest he’d be a Malibu and Pineapple Juice everytime. Everytime. However, since that would (and already has) lead to torrents of abuse from the rest of us. So instead he opts for something more Timberlake-esque. You might be think Jack Daniels…but he’s not quite at ManCon 4 just yet…so we’re stuck with Southern Comfort. A tasty and respectable beverage I’m sure you’ll agree.
Graham – Well, Graham isn’t really a wolf when it comes to drinking…he’s more content to being an imbibing sheep…just following whatever Scott and/or John are drinking – no mind of his own (Yes Graham this is payback for having me lose to a Homosexual Biker – a fight I’d lose in real life anyway, but still man…if you can’t dream on the web, what’ve you got left). But seriously. Graham enjoys the fine things in life, so it’s a toss-up between being a really good, potentially over-priced beer and an excellent whiskey. So take your pick: Innis & Gunn Cask Strength or maybe a nice Lagavulin Distillers Edition whiskey. Both top-notch.
Boudy – I know for a fact Boudy took this quiz too and they told him he was a Whiskey on the Rocks. Boudy? C’mon man. I’m kinda stumped with this one…what drink are you? You’re big, you’re dependable, you’re corrupted by the American market through and through and you have been known, on occasion to be a big gay panda (or more succicently put, dare I say it, a party pooper?!) – let’s face it, you’re Budweiser. If you give me any shit for this, I’m changing it to Bud Light. Though to be fair, some nights you’re on a mission and want to get caned, and on those nights you’re Rum….but still a corporate whore, so you’re Bacardi.
And as for me. Well, I’m pretty rubbish at drinking, so it needs to be easy to drink. It needs to be a little showy so I can get some attention, but not too far from the norm that I get picked on and have to throw a hissy fit. It also needs to be widely accepted. I want to be a rule breaker but not so much that I get in trouble. There’s only really one thing: I’m Pear Cider. Either that or a Flabby Nipple – but that’s just mean…Either way, not much better than a Cosmopolitan I’m sure you’ll agree.
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